seven.

It was one of those days where the outside is sunny and bright, it's warm and everything is lush and green with spots of red and orange and purple. But still you feel grey inside. You wish the clouds would roll over and it would turn dark, to have them grumble at you as if they understand. You have no idea as to why you feel the way you do, only knowing that you do feel that way. And so you can't help but wonder. You wonder why although you want to reflect the day and its warmth, to smile and not know why, you instead conflict with its cheerful tale. It upsets you. But you're more upset over having been upset. Because you know it'll pass. However, in the meantime there's little relief. You try your hardest to enjoy what you can, but there's a peculiar dull translucency blanketing your senses. You fight against the gentle but constant tugging in your chest, the one that pulls you back into the melancholic absence. Like you're faded and drifting, and waiting for nothing. And although it's for just a blink it's enough to remind you of the weight; an only slight heaviness that you can't quite shake. You acknowledge and even embrace it, though you still hope it would make its presence brief.

six.

You journey near and far, climbing mountains, passing through valleys, meeting all the secrets nature has yet to reveal. Without asking for or owing a single thing you're taught lessons never fathomed possible. Your mind's eye travels no longer in a trajectory limited by perception, but instead embraces the unseen, the unknown, the nothing and the everything. Grateful to absorb the vividness that is those who help to keep you grounded, you take comfort in the colourful smiles, the cackles of laughter, the sincerity in their eyes and words that resonate through your skull reminding you of their and your existence. You're happy in the sense that you are blessed with such a rare reality, that you may poke and prod at whatever given time and they will gladly, albeit somewhat sleepily, heed your annoyance. But it's not enough. When is it ever enough? You're thankful with all the sincerity you're able to muster in this physical realm and in the stars and heavens and darknesses far beyond, but greed becomes you. And your search continues. Your mortifying, unrewarding and seemingly endless search. You taste the shallow sweetness and you try ever desperately to justify the lack of substance. You suffocate that unobtainable and fleeting something. But is something always better than nothing? What exactly is something?
You sit. You smile. You laugh. But at the core you're just scared and lost and looking for someone to help you keep it together. You owe it to yourself, don't you? You want to be reckless but you want to be safe. Though you know you'll never win. Until you do. But will you even notice?

five.

As the human species we are genetically wired to experience trauma but also to endure it and eventually overcome it. However, to fully overcome a trauma you need to relinquish your shitty ego, and embrace true hurt and suffering. The most petrifying thing is to be wholeheartedly vulnerable to yourself. You need to break yourself down completely, be absolutely transparent to your own mind, your thoughts and emotions and only then will you be able to rebuild, with a stronger grounding in yourself.
This is only my philosophy, so in no way am I trying to project it onto anyone - because as individuals we handle and cope with situations differently, where everyone's understanding of strength differs, but I don't think anyone should believe that embracing the fact you've been hurt is weak, or succumbing to the emotions attached to that hurt is weak. I feel people are so disconnected with themselves and afraid of their emotions that it's simply easier to react to hurt with hate. Such hate is also transferred to anyone even remotely in touch with their irrational side, where they're hastily excused as 'crazy'. Why there is a stigma attached to this only natural aspect of the human condition I don't understand. Because are we not human after all? Then there are others who, to avoid any association with such an image, are determined not to react at all. However, does that not just force us to further disconnect? Acknowledging and accepting your circumstances by no way means you're excusing the pain that a person or situation has caused you. In a way you need to let that hurt destroy you. You need to destroy that narrative of yourself first and only then can you reach and take full advantage of your liberation.

four.

I did some baking the last couple of days. Kinda pleased with myself with how it all turned out.
First, I baked caramel slice. Except this time I opted for a salted caramel.
One of my favourite desserts to bake. It's just so delicious in its simplicity.
난 며칠전에 베이킹을 많이 했다~
첫째로 소금카라멜슬라이스를 만들었다

Then today I made chicken strudel with sun-dried tomato pesto, two types of cheese and spinach.
그 다음에 오늘 치킨슈트루델이랑 토마토페스토, 치즈, 시금치를 만들었다

 

And here's some product placement: 

여기 밑에 제품 배치입니다:

Cheese!
치즈!

Puff pastry is the greatest thing in the world.

난 세상중에서 퍼프 페이스트리가 제일 좋은 거이라고 생각한다~ 그지?

Time to eat! Oh mum. What a cutie. 

막는 시간! 엄마~~~ 너무 귀엽네~ 

three.

I have been trying to stay positive about everything, but I don't really want to be where I am right now. Everything is too comfortable in a sense, which makes it all incredibly dull. Well, it's comfortable but not comfortable, convenient but not convenient, which makes me feel unsettled. There is so much time wasting in general happening, and I hate wasting time. This city doesn't compute so much any more. The idea of remaining here indefinitely is frightening. Although I want to establish myself more regarding my design and illustration in my own country I feel like I'm not able to. It's like the things that I do don't matter. It all means nothing, and I feel overwhelmingly insignificant. The opportunities here seem non-existent. I can't even find a part time job. Not even in a cafe, clearing tables-type thing. Without a job I can't save money, and without money I can't go back to Korea. Then this country gets rid of the government study grant I was hoping to apply for. Nothing seems to be going smoothly at all. At least in Korea, despite that I was never 100% comfortable, I was learning and I enjoyed that. It was motivating, and I was motivated. I liked that I was always a little on the outside, struggling with the language and being a foreigner. It was all new and exciting and super frustrating, but it was an experience that helped build me. The novelty never wore off, and everything was so charming in its own right. Nothing right now seems to build me. Whatever I do it's not enough.
I don't want to be content. I don't want to float by and live some mediocre life. I want to establish and do great things with myself. I want to leave a mark on this world. I feel like I have that potential, but nothing here will allow me to reach it. Sure, I had my off-days in Korea, but I never felt the same weight as I do here. I'm not even sure what it is. I'm anxious, I'm angry, I'm disheartened and worried all the time. This mindset is rather unpleasant. It leads me to do nothing productive with my time. Which then leads me to reflect and feel worse about myself and my situation all over again. Which just adds to the anxiety and anger and worry and everything else. I don't want to hate my time being back, but all my efforts seem to be in vain. 

Then a couple days back was probably the lowest I have felt since returning. It's been confirmed that technology despises me and the world is against me in every possible way.
I was doing okay dealing with the general everyday shit, then my computer decided that it no longer wanted to cooperate.
Funny story really - so, basically, it comes down to my own complete and utter irresponsibility and the fact that I'm a fucking moron.
So, please back up your files - several times, in several different locations - if your entire life rests in a temperamental hunk of metal that should never be trusted.
I still have my hard drive in all its physical glory, and the last couple of days I've been delaying what seems to be the inevitable. Shall I take it to a fancy place specialising in data recovery and have my worst fears fully realised, or shall I just continue to sit as a useless lump, doing absolutely nothing with her time? Pretty tough decisions ahead. I'll get back to you.

I know it's really just a choice I make, to either wallow and pity myself or keep doing everything that I can regardless of how insignificant it may seem, to make the most of my time back. Sometimes you choose to be sad, sometimes you choose to be happy, and if it makes one happy to be sad then I don't think one should deny themselves that. There's a misconception to believe sadness is a bad thing, but it's just another emotion and that should be embraced. So, I'll wait for the moment I've had enough of being sad and choose happiness. In the meantime this is how it is, though I'll try not to let it cripple me.

I know I've only just begun this whole endeavour, and I know I'm young and the whole world is at my disposal - it's just at the current moment I'm feeling rather defeated. There's really only so much I can grit my teeth at and continue to trudge through.
I'm just so tired.

two.

About a week ago, a friend, Sam, and I spent the day together.
Both unemployed, we decided to spend it cooking up some brownies.

지난주에 내 친구 샘이랑 지냈다.
우리 둘이 백조인데 같이 브라우니를 만들었다.

This is the recipe we followed, substituting the chocolate bits for walnuts and adding some Nutella:
http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1223/bestever-brownies

이 조리법을 따랐는데 우리 다른 좋아하는 것들도 넣었다:
http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1223/bestever-brownies

 

All in all, it was a dandy day.
After our tedious preparations and ever-so-slight worry the end result was surprisingly delicious;
moist, chocolate-y and everything you'd expect in a gooey brownie - and then some.
It was definitely an incredibly special batch (to Sam's hilarious dismay).

우리 힘들게 예습했지만 맛있어보이라고 잘 만든 개이지?

Here are some cheeky ones of Sam, for your viewing pleasure. She's pretty cute.

밑에는 즐거움을 받을 수 있게 내 귀엽 친구 나온 사진들을 봐봐~ ㅋㅋㅋ

This little rascal.

one.

Hello there. My name is Julia Major.
I'm an illustrator and designer from Sydney, Australia, and have just recently returned from my (almost) year away in Seoul. I'm desperately trying to get back to Korea, but in the meantime I have taken up multiple projects to keep me occupied - blogging included. I've failed on several occasions on said endeavour, but we'll see how we go this time (things do not look optimistic).
I'll be documenting my illustrations, designs, inspirations, every day happenings and any other whatnots via a multitude of social media channels (see down below), so have a browse and stay tuned!

For now - hello!

안녕하세요 여러분~!
저는 호주에서 온 즐리아인데 일러스트레이터와 디자이너인다. 작년엔 한국에 한국어 공부를 시작했는데 배운지 10개월쯤 되서 아직 잘못하지만 이젠 호주에 있어도 공부를 계속 열심히 하려고한다.
블로그는 제 그림들, 영감들, 한/하는/할 일도 여기에서 올릴거나까 기다려주시겠다?
밑에 쓴SNS주소들은 한번 봐주세요!

우리 더 가깝게 되고 싶어서 지금부터 반말으로 할까? ㅋㅋ

@byjuliamajor
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www.juliamajor.com