Wednesday, 25 March 2015


I have been trying to stay positive about everything, but I don't really want to be where I am right now. Everything is too comfortable in a sense, which makes it all incredibly dull. Well, it's comfortable but not comfortable, convenient but not convenient, which makes me feel unsettled. There is so much time wasting in general happening, and I hate wasting time. This city doesn't compute so much any more. The idea of remaining here indefinitely is frightening. Although I want to establish myself more regarding my design and illustration in my own country I feel like I'm not able to. It's like the things that I do don't matter. It all means nothing, and I feel overwhelmingly insignificant. The opportunities here seem non-existent. I can't even find a part time job. Not even in a cafe, clearing tables-type thing. Without a job I can't save money, and without money I can't go back to Korea. Then this country gets rid of the government study grant I was hoping to apply for. Nothing seems to be going smoothly at all. At least in Korea, despite that I was never 100% comfortable, I was learning and I enjoyed that. It was motivating, and I was motivated. I liked that I was always a little on the outside, struggling with the language and being a foreigner. It was all new and exciting and super frustrating, but it was an experience that helped build me. The novelty never wore off, and everything was so charming in its own right. Nothing right now seems to build me. Whatever I do it's not enough.
I don't want to be content. I don't want to float by and live some mediocre life. I want to establish and do great things with myself. I want to leave a mark on this world. I feel like I have that potential, but nothing here will allow me to reach it. Sure, I had my off-days in Korea, but I never felt the same weight as I do here. I'm not even sure what it is. I'm anxious, I'm angry, I'm disheartened and worried all the time. This mindset is rather unpleasant. It leads me to do nothing productive with my time. Which then leads me to reflect and feel worse about myself and my situation all over again. Which just adds to the anxiety and anger and worry and everything else. I don't want to hate my time being back, but all my efforts seem to be in vain. 

Then a couple days back was probably the lowest I have felt since returning. It's been confirmed that technology despises me and the world is against me in every possible way.
I was doing okay dealing with the general everyday shit, then my computer decided that it no longer wanted to cooperate.
Funny story really - so, basically, it comes down to my own complete and utter irresponsibility and the fact that I'm a fucking moron.
So, please back up your files - several times, in several different locations - if your entire life rests in a temperamental hunk of metal that should never be trusted.
I still have my hard drive in all its physical glory, and the last couple of days I've been delaying what seems to be the inevitable. Shall I take it to a fancy place specialising in data recovery and have my worst fears fully realised, or shall I just continue to sit as a useless lump, doing absolutely nothing with her time? Pretty tough decisions ahead. I'll get back to you.

I know it's really just a choice I make, to either wallow and pity myself or keep doing everything that I can regardless of how insignificant it may seem, to make the most of my time back. Sometimes you choose to be sad, sometimes you choose to be happy, and if it makes one happy to be sad then I don't think one should deny themselves that. There's a misconception to believe sadness is a bad thing, but it's just another emotion and that should be embraced. So, I'll wait for the moment I've had enough of being sad and choose happiness. In the meantime this is how it is, though I'll try not to let it cripple me.

I know I've only just begun this whole endeavour, and I know I'm young and the whole world is at my disposal - it's just at the current moment I'm feeling rather defeated. There's really only so much I can grit my teeth at and continue to trudge through.
I'm just so tired.

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